What do you want to be when you grow up?

 Thrilling, exciting, daunting, nervous, overwhelmed, scared, all rolled into happy relief.  That is done, now what?

I am sitting at the kitchen table with my coffee.  Morning sun rays are streaming in through the bay window. Jays, chipmunks, and rabbits play in the fresh-cut grass outside.  I should be working on the retirement spreadsheet.  I should be laying out options and working on all the different scenarios.  The what ifs and the how about that’s.  How much do we need to do this or that?  I should be making it all neatly organized, perfectly laid out, and easy to decipher.  But it’s not all about the money. It’s not possible to figure out life with a spreadsheet.  It’s about answering the question:

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

My husband is retiring soon.  But what does that mean?  Retiring from what exactly?  His current job, 9 to 5, mowing the lawn, bosses, timelines, doing the dishes.  The options are endless. Should we start a new business, work for ourselves, and have more to do and worry about than we do now?  Do we sell out, strap on backpacks, and travel the world…. again?  Do we minimize, downsize, have no responsibilities, and pull our hair out with boredom?  Is it really the right time to retire?  Or would it be better to keep the status quo? 

As children, we play dress-up.  We are going to be firemen, astronauts, princes, and pirates.  We will be queens and rule the world.  There will be servants to do our bidding.  We will have all the purity dresses we want, eat ice cream for dinner, and never have to go to bed.  When the people taller than our younger selves ask “what are you going to be when you grow up”?  We scream the answers in waves of giggles.  So sure, so happy, so confident.  Then we grab our toys and run around the yard until the streetlights come on.  

We all strive for the someday.  Someday we will be old enough to drive and have our own house.  Someday we’ll get a promotion, a new car, and the bills will be paid.  It is a day in the future we plan for.  Yet we are all surprised when the someday arrives.  It somehow sneaks up on us.  It is a good day but more often than not it doesn’t live up to the hype.  We stare at the keys in our hands.  Yes, the new car/house is finally ours.  We are excited, we show it off to friends…now for the maintenance, cleaning, and even more bills.  And a new someday to strive toward.

Is the question easier at 60 than it was at 18?  At 18, with wide-eyed confidence, lacking experience, and the exuberance of youth on your side the world is yours to conquer.  You can try a million things, hate half of them, and move on. Everything is new, green, and excitingly terrifying.  It doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down or the waves carry you out to sea.  All your belongings fit in your car.  Change jobs, and apartments, and move across the country. You can sleep on floors and pack 10 people in a Toyota.  Go to school or not. Youth and time are on your side.

At 60 parts of the world have been conquered.  There is still so much more to do.  So much more that can be tried.  But now we know how much it hurts to get knocked down and getting up isn’t getting easier.  Experience has taught us to avoid tsunamis.  We have learned to sidestep tornadoes and brace for earthquakes.  We have roots now.  Loves, losses, victories, and memories, that don’t fit in our cars.  While experience has taught us what we don’t want, it has eaten away at the wide-eyed confidence of youth.  It has been replaced with, at best, cautious optimism, and, at worst, skeptical cynicism.

Looking forward to all the possibilities.  All the choices.  All the things that could be done.  All the options.  But what it is that we really want?  If we choose wrong, is there still enough time to choose again?  We tell the young don’t worry about it.  There is plenty of time.  But how much time is there?  How many times can you start over?  Is there enough money? How much is really needed?

Why is this so hard?  It is the furthest someday there is.  We have had our whole lives to get here.  Then why are we 18 again flipping through college forms, and job apps, and not having a clue about what to do next?  This time there is no safety net, no parents to fall back on.  Our bodies will not recover from crashing on someone’s couch.  We’ve grown so used to our creature comforts.  Giving them up is not a favorable option and is to be avoided.

There is an advantage in knowing what is not wanted.  What is required?  Having been there and done that.  It adds confidence, faith, reliance, security, and expectation.  You can never go wrong with choosing happiness. 

So does the question need to be answered?  What do you want to be when you grow UP?  Perhaps after the dinner dishes are done, the bills are paid, and the laundry is put away.  Then we can decide who we want to be when we grow up.