Guilt

 

“Guilt is not built into our DNA, and it harms our souls, personalities, and even our health.”  (Unknown)

There are all kinds of guilt.  Mothers’ guilt, Catholic guilt, Jewish guilt. Those are the famous ones, the ones we all know about and dread.   Those are the ones our friends tease us about forgiving into it, even though they do it too.    But less talked about is the shame of society. It is a form of guilt.

Of course, it's not called that.   It is called societal norms   The things we do because we live in this society or that society.   It is just the way things are.    But what if the way things are not acceptable?   Sure, we are all fine when you go with the status quo.   When you don't, there's pressure, guilt, a cognitive distortion to conform.   Sometimes it is called peer pressure.   Guilt is a way for outside influences to manipulate you into something that you don't feel comfortable with or don’t want to do.  Get out of your head.  Be you.

I have always prided myself on not feeling guilty. I'm going to do what I'm going to do and if you don't like it. Well, that's just too bad for you.   I don’t feel guilty about not doing the family thing for Christmas or missing a party at a bad restaurant.  I will not be shamed into missing a well-earned rest day to go to church.  I think it was my defense mechanism against peer pressure.   And it worked well for the longest amount of time.   It worked well until it didn't.  

“No work or love will flourish out guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now” (Alan Watts)

A piece of advice a friend gave me a long time ago was that you should not should on yourself. It’s a very good piece of advice.   You should do this, you should do that, you should feel this, you should feel that.   All of that is not true. You feel what you feel, and all your feelings are valid. Just remember they might not be reality.

My guilt, my worry, and my frustration is not in what I did, but in what I don’t want to do. I don't want to fly 2000 miles on a very cramped plane in misery only to go someplace and do nothing.  I don't want to put myself through torture, put my life on hold only to be ignored and not needed on the other end.  And yet there is still guilt for not showing up for not being there.   Guilt for not doing what society says I should do.  Guilt for taking care of myself and letting others do the same.  Guilt, even though there is no point in self-torture.

“Never feel guilty for doing what’s best for you.” (Unknown)

Conform to the mold. Do what you're supposed to do because that's the way society is structured. How often that fails us. How often does the societal norm lead us to misery?   How often are we led into a path that is dangerous for us?   Saving ourselves by looking out for our own best interest is selfish??? Yet sometimes that is the best path we can take.   Sometimes we must just sit with guilt to understand where it comes from and figure out a way to let it go. 

A phone call hours later and the crisis has passed.  There's no reason to feel guilty. There's no reason to think I should.   But the guilt is still there, a worthless feeling that does no one any good.

“Guilt isn’t always a rational thing… Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not” (Maureen Johnson)

Guilt is the feeling that was made up by Catholic and Jewish mothers to keep their children in line. It has worked for centuries. It will work for centuries more, but we really should just let it go because after all, what's the point?

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go.  Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss, or betrayal.  Change is never easy.  We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.  (Unknown) 

Photo by Callum Skelton on Unsplash